Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
