I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
