My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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