At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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