So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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