Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
