hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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