My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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