I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
