No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Randomize
