You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
