You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
