hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
