I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
