just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
