So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
