There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
