life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize