I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
only you would photoshop your dick
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
