I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
