Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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