Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
