dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
