i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
