there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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