at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
