he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
