Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
