So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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