She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
