why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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