tell your sister to shave her snatch
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize