just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
