you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
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