You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Be still, my beating vagina.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
