Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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