between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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