Pants 0. Shit 1.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I feel like abortions should bother me more
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
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