It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I didn't notice because vodka
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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