I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
