I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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