You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
