I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm at about main and main street
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I just had sex on a roof
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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