I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
