I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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