So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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