You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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