My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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