He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Randomize
