I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
