Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
