the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
