just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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