i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
