Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
