I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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