We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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