Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
