nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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