NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
