I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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