he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
