I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
