when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
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