is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
