I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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