Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
