Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
