Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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