So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
