is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
