Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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